Monday, February 9, 2009

Answer That One, Women Services

( Old picture, but I'm stuck at work with limited resources.)
She would die if she knew that I was writing this, but hey, for the most part we're all women, I think. If not and you are reading this, well then you're still okay with my topics, obviously.
Miss Thang is having major trouble getting her cycle right. It is a huge pain in the ass for her, and I feel horrible about it. Unfortunately for her, she had to go to the gynecologist's office last Friday to talk about her hormone imbalance.
This doctor is my doctor. He delivered her 12 years ago. He is an older man with a goofy sense of humor. Very non-threatening. My sister is his secretary, so you would think it was a very benign visit.
On the way there we had the following conversation.
"Is he going to touch me?"
"Well, I don't think so, but if he wants to check for cysts, he may have to."
"Eww, how does he do that?"
"Weelll, he has to feel with his finger. Slip them in just for a minute."
(I am cringing at this point, but I wasn't gonna set her up for a surprise. If you're judging me at this point, then you'd better come up with a better solution.)
"Oh, gross. That's an "uh-oh" touch."
Now, she has been plagued by Mr. Matt who comes to visit their school from Women's Services every month. He discusses good touch and bad touch. Sexual harassment. You get the picture. She hates it. He creeps her out.
"Well, no, honey. It's not an "uh-oh" touch."
"Well, would you call it a "good" touch?"
Shit, hell no, I wouldn't call it a good touch. Thank you very much Women's Services. Did you cover this type of touch with her. No you didn't. How in the fuck do I explain this touch with her. She's 12. She's not thinking of all the times that she will go through this when she has a baby. Damn, she doesn't even think about the times when the "good" touch will feel good.
Thank goodness we only had to talk with him. He gave her some hormone therapy pills, and we were off on our merry way.
To you Women's Services, thanks for nothing. AND, what kind of touch IS the gynecology exam?


  1. I'd call it an "ewww" touch. :) Not that my input helps much. I'm glad that someone is telling young women about "stranger danger" and that kind of thing, but you'd think they'd include a few disclaimers!

  2. I'd call that the "only when I am there, medically necessary touch" *shrugs* that is a tough one.

    I went through a similar situation with my son, for his Kindergarten check up. Except I had no idea that the Dr. would check his testicles...and he just dove right in to do it. My son looked at me horrified and started to fight the doctor off...I am told him it "was okay....because I am here and he needs to check" (great excuse..HUH?). Then I was totally and completely compelled to spend weeks on end discussing good touching and bad touching.

  3. omfg, i have NO IDEA what to say here! i, too just took my son for his 5yr old checkup and when the doctor went to check his peepee, *SHE* said, "okay, you only only mommy, daddy and the doctor can touch you here and only if mommy or daddy is here..." or something like that. it was cool.

    re: your beautiful, hormonally-challenged daughter? i can only imagine. if i had to go to the dr. when i was 12 due to hormones, i could only HOPE to have a mother such as you there with me. ;) you're the best, and she will be fine.

  4. Poor doll! I had a HORRIBLE first time experience at the gyno so I had to breath a huge sigh of relief when there was NO touching that time. Buys you more time to explain it all. The joys of being a mom with girls.

  5. Calico- yeah, you're right. definitely an "ew" touch.
    Harmony and MOFM- They didn't check my son's at his five year old check up. He's 8 now. Maybe I just forgot, or maybe we go to a quack.
    MissieJean- Yeah, not looking forward to the real exam. He said not to worry til she's sexually active. SO were talking 35, right?

  6. i am now following so I don't miss any of your good touch love.


    Yeah, well, i would probably say that it is not a good or bad touch, but a necessary one to make sure she is healthy...and suck it up cause yeah it sucks...

  7. Oh Jesus H. Christ! I feel so bad for her! I dont even know what to say or suggest.

    Im such a great procrastinator and effing FANTASTIC at putting things like this off. Im so damn good that my 15 yr old (will be 16 this April) daughter didnt start her period until a week ago. Hows THAT for manipulating mother nature!?! If I play my cards right we may not have to have the gyno talk till shes 30 and by then it shouldnt be too